Underworld: Evolution

To say that it's terrible is understating it. To say that I got indigestion while watching the movie seems almost insulting to the buttered popcorn. Amidst the shooting, the fighting, the gory blood and body parts being chopped and shred to pieces was 15 minutes of plot that could've been aired on tv.

What's with all the blood? It reminded me of Mel Brooks' movie, Dracula: Dead and Loving It.

[Jonathan drives a stake into Lucy's heart and is subsequently hit by many gallons of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh... my... GOD! There's so much blood!
Van Helsing: She just ate! Hit her again!
Jonathan Harker: Oh no... I can't...
Van Helsing: How much blood can she have left?

[Jonathan had just impaled Lucy, and was hit by two rounds of blood]
Jonathan Harker: Oh! This is - this is ghastly!
Van Helsing: Yes, you're right. We should have put newspapers down!

This movie was a complete waste. I couldn't understand the plot twists and couldn't stomach all they were trying to shove at us. Granted, it was necessary to have a certain amount of suspension of disbelief, but c'mon! The movie was entirely too convenient! Both main characters may be immortal but to have gaping holes in their chest be suddenly healed and patched up almost like they were carrying around extra pieces of human body parts to spackle up their bodies was just ridiculous.

I must've missed a few things also. Like how is Alexander Corvinus an immortal? I thought his sons became immortal when they were bitten by a bat and a wolf. And the conspiracies and betrayals stemming from the first movie confused the hell out of me, I couldn't remember who did what to whom, and I had forgotten what Michael Corvin's role in all this was.

I'm sure the novelization would've been more enjoyable.



One good thing about the movie? Kate Beckinsale. I'd do her, she was fucking hot.